What To Do About The Guilt

A book I once read called guilt and worry the useless emotions. That quote helped me immensely. It's true we all worry and feel guilt to an extent, and sometimes that can be good when it moves us to action. However, too much of a good thing can be harmful. And that is the case with these two emotions. So much so that studies have shown that people with low levels of guilt were less likely to go to the doctor, or to report suffering from colds or flu. But what can you do if you find yourself constantly believing you should do, be, and please more? Ty Colbert, Ph.D., author of Why Do I Feel Guilty When I've Done Nothing Wrong? offers these suggestions:

• The moment you feel guilt, stop and ask yourself why. Identify the source of the feeling. Something that your boss, spouse, or friend said? Something you've forgotten to do, such as pay a bill? You must learn how your guilty buttons get pressed before you can defuse them.
• Decide whether you've done anything intentional or truly thoughtless to cause your guilty reaction. If you haven't you're experiencing unhealthy, not healthy, guilt.
• Disconnect the guilty button by consciously placing the blame on the person or situation responsible. For example, if your mother has said, "Can't you stay longer?" and you immediately feel guilty, unload the blame by saying to yourself, "I'm tired of her always putting me in this position. I don't deserve it and I'm not going to let her do it anymore." This is an empowering step that breaks down the guilt.

Unhealthy guilt is a way to avoid emotional pain. Asserting yourself in this way will force you to face the hurt underneath. Allowing yourself to feel this pain will be difficult, says Dr. Colbert, but it's an essential step to maturity and independence.